The Secrets of Making Date Night Successful–Before and After Marriage
In the field of marriage and family therapy, researchers continue to find that connection is the key to a happy, thriving marriage relationship.
Connection, connection, connection.
That is what sets apart couples who find their relationships fulfilling from those who don’t.
Connection takes time and focused attention to achieve.
Connection takes contact, kindness, and consistency.
It is not something that just happens by chance. We have to choose connection and then guard it as one of our most precious assets because, in reality? It really is incredibly precious.
Connection comes through contact.
We can’t connect with another person when one of us is emotionally (or physically!) absent. Date night is a time we can specifically set aside as protected time for contact–time to talk and enjoy each other’s company, hold hands and be physically close. It’s a time reserved just for you and your sweetheart to come together and reconnect.
Connection also comes from kindness.
As anyone in a relationship knows, contact alone is not enough. We can’t assume that simply sitting side by side will be enough to make us feel connected and loved!
Date nights should be a time to build and uplift the other person, as well as fortify the relationship.
As I’m writing this, I’m reminded of a couple who share a joint checking account. The husband works, and the wife is a stay at home mom. All the money he earns is deposited into one joint account, and both view the money as theirs collectively. Yet every time they go out on a date, the husband pays. He specifically pulls out his wallet and says he’ll take care of the bill. The wife respectfully and gratefully thanks him.
The wife explained it this way, “This [tradition] began when we were dating, and he did actually pay for my dinner [with his own money].” She continued, “He also opens the door for me, just as he did all those years ago when we were first dating. Some women may think this is silly and that they don’t need a man to do those things for them, but I find it highly attractive. I know he is doing those things out of love and respect for me. It makes me feel special to him.”
The kind and loving gestures that we often mindfully make during our first flirtations and dates can and should continue even after marriage. These small acts of affection and respect builds both your partner and the relationship you share.
Connection takes consistency.
Knowing that date nights are important, how do we actually fit them into our schedules? Let me make a suggestion, based on life in my own family.
My kids take music lessons. They are scheduled at a certain time each week, and if we miss the lesson, I still pay for it. You better believe that we don’t miss lessons! I have made a commitment to the teacher to be there and a commitment to my children’s musical education. The only time we miss music lessons is for a real sickness or emergency.
Scheduling a regular time for date nights helps us place the same value and importance on our relationship as well! You and your spouse, as well as your children (and a babysitter if necessary), can all grow to understand that that specific time is sacred time. Time that does not get interfered with or postponed. Time that belongs only to this one critical (and wonderful!) purpose.
Look for a time that you can consistently set aside to connect with your spouse. You might have to get creative. Maybe it is not date night every Friday at 6:00. Maybe it is lunch every Wednesday, or a one-on-one breakfast on Saturday mornings. Maybe it is Tuesday evenings after you drop the kids off at youth group.
Date night doesn’t even have to be a time to leave home! Thursday nights could be the night the kids have to be in their rooms by 7:30–they can read or work on a project, but you can teach them to behave as if you are not there. You and your spouse could order take out, watch a movie, or snuggle and talk uninterrupted. The real key is consistency! Planning a specific time often helps.
Ready to take action? Take ten minutes, right now, to think about five ways you can implement these three principles (contact, kindness, and consistency!) into your relationship.
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