In 1978 Rod Stewart famously sang: “If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on sugar let me know.” In 1979 the (all male) band Cheap Trick begged “I want you to want me, I need you to need me.” Are these just two niche songs? Or do they represent an important sentiment that has continued to go under the radar for the last four decades?
That is: Do men just “do the wanting?” Or do men need to feel desired too?
According to traditional gender roles and sexual scripts, men are supposed to be the ones to make their female partners feel desirable while not needing to feel desired themselves1,2,3. And if we think about a typical romantic storyline in the movies, most often there is a male protagonist who is largely responsible for wooing or courting the woman he is interested in.Think of the years Jim spent flirting with Pam on The Office or John Cusack holding a boombox high over his head with hopes of softening the heart of his crush, Dianne, in Say Anything.
The real life version of this might be male partners bringing their female partners flowers, giving her compliments about how beautiful she looks, or buying her chocolates and jewelry in contexts where perhaps nothing given in return. And when it comes to sex, most often men are expected to be the initiator of sexual activity and take an active role in helping their female partner get in "the mood."
But recent research is showing that some men may want these traditional norms to change and that feeling desired is important to their experiences of desire too.
In a qualitative study of 26, college-aged, heterosexual men’s endorsement of sexual scripts, researchers found that while the majority of men (N = 16; 61.5%) endorsed sexual scripts that were in line with traditional masculine roles, including “desiring sex without being desired,” 10 of the men in this study (38.5%) did not actively endorse traditional male sexual scripts4. These men indicated that they resisted the notion of desiring without feeling desired and expectations of initiating most, if not all, sexual activity. In other words, nearly 40% of the men described wanting to feel desired by their female partners and for their female partner to initiate more sexual activity.
Another qualitative study consisting of 32 college-aged men explored men’s preference for, and engagement in, various patterns of sexual initiation. Although male-dominated sexual initiation was the most common pattern of initiation, the majority of the men reporting this script (72.2%) indicated a preference for more egalitarian pattern (i.e., equal amounts of initiation between the male and female partner)5. Men who wanted a more egalitarian pattern of sexual initiation indicated that they found initiating regularly was too demanding and that they wanted to be seen as an "object of desire" by their female partners.
In my own research I interviewed a community sample of 30 men (age 30-65) in heterosexual relationships about their experience of sexual desire6. The need to feel desired by one’s female partner was described by a majority of participants (73%; N = 22) as having the largest impact on their experience of sexual desire.
“It’s important to me, to feel that I’m very desirable to her. Like, particularly to her” (Craig, age 33).
So what helped men feel desired? There were three key ways men said they felt desired by their female partners:
1. Receiving compliments about their physical appearance:
"[Women] get adored quite a bit more to the point where they feel extra good about themselves. And start feeling like very sexual beings because they get these compliments and getting the little “woo-hoos” or whatever. And most men don’t get that very often. And when they do, it’s pretty darn good." (Carl, age 31)
“There was one specific time where she had indicated she had seen me at a farmers market amongst a whole bunch of people, and just the way I was dressed and the other person commented that she thought I looked very hot. And I hadn’t heard a positive comment or a compliment in a long time. So that triggered [desire] for me that there was a noticeable comment. There was a reflection that I was desired.” (Cody, age 65)
2. Having their partner show her interest in sex through enthusiastic participation:
“I want to have sex with someone who desires me. I don’t want someone who says, well the show comes on in ten minutes, get it over with.” (Hudson, age 30)
“If I think you’re reluctantly going along with me, it doesn’t make me feel like you’re participating. I need you to participate for me to feel wanted, loved, desired.” (Tony, age 52)
3. Having their female partner initiate sexual activity:
“It’s one thing for your partner to say they want you. But to have them physically initiate and do it is another.” (Tim, age 32)
"It’s very exciting when all of the sudden she wants it. When she’s making the motions for it, and she is asking for it, and she is actually the one who initiates everything. When I’m not the one who has to do all the work." (Scott, age 42)
It’s necessary to note that the previously described studies demonstrate that the desire to be desired is important to some men. It remains to be seen how common this need is and the various ways that men want to feel desired in their relationships. However, it appears that Rod Stewart and Cheap Trick were far from the only men to state that feeling sexually desired is important for men too.
0 comments:
Δημοσίευση σχολίου